Monday, August 6, 2012

Chew On This

I love gum.  I love gum so much that if I were going to buy stock in anything, I'd probably buy stock in Wrigley or Extra.  And if things don't work out between me and Lumierre the Candlestick, or Mr. Peanut, I might look up Bazooka Joe to see if he's single and ready to mingle.  It's become a pack-a-day habit.  Certainly there are worse habits to have but even I will admit that it's a little ridiculous.  I've tried quitting cold turkey but only lasted 4 days before I was back on the sticks.  I'm not sure there are any treatment programs for gum addiction and quite frankly, I'm not sure I even want help.  So instead, let's celebrate the various types of gum on the market.

Extra Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream - Yes, this sounds kind of weird and gross but let me assure you, as a gum connoisseur, it's excellent.  Will it cure a craving for real ice cream?  Don't be silly.  It's just a piece of gum.  But it will cure a craving for awesomeness.

Big Red - Cinnamon gum is tricky.  Occasionally, I'll see it sitting on the shelf, nestled between spearmint and wintergreen, and I grab it b/c I'm feeling spicy.  But after one piece, I'm pretty much over it.

Fruit Stripe - Please tell me you guys remember this gum.  It's the one with the wrapper that has a fake tattoo of a zebra on it.  Usually the zebra was playing some kind of sport... ice skating, basketball, badminton... he was a regular Olympian, that zebra.  He was also the ambassador of a delightful gum.  The problem is that the gum only had flavor for approximately 12 seconds.  I am not exaggerating and in fact, might be being generous with 12 seconds.  It's probably more like 8.  But man oh man, what a delicious 8 seconds.  The aliens in this commercial seem a little random but it was the 90s so it works.

Wintergreen - Curses to you Wintergreen!  You are horrible and disgusting.  I wouldn't chew you if you were the last piece of gum on earth.  One time, it was the only kind left in a vending machine and I went 6 hours without chewing gum b/c I'd rather go through gum detox before I'd suffer through a piece of wintergreen.  BTW... gum detox consists of shakes, sweating, seizures, heart palpitations and hallucinations.

Bubblicious Grape - I don't really ever chew this gum anymore because I like to think I'm an adult and would feel ridiculous blowing grape bubbles while I sit at my desk in my office.  Why I don't feel ridiculous writing a post dedicated to gum is a mystery we'll probably never unravel.  However, I will say that it's my favorite of all the fruity kinds of gum and I am now craving it.  If you are reading this and you happen to be in the area, please feel free to drop off some grape gum so I can chew it and blow bubbles in the privacy of my own home.

Big League Chew - Do any baseball players actually chew this gum?  Was Big League Chew the secret weapon behind the Cardinals win in the World Series last season?  I wouldn't be surprised.

Juicy Fruit - Here's the thing with Juicy Fruit.  It tastes absolutely horrendous (not so fast, Wintergreen... you're still the worst).  However, some Juicy Fruit commercials are hilarious to me.  I particularly love the one where the pinata detaches from the ceiling and chases the kids at a birthday party.  Kudos, J. Fruit, for making me almost want to buy your product.

Why is this so funny to me?  Am I a horrible person for laughing at children being terrorized by a colorful donkey filled with candy and treats?

5 - On the flip side, the commercials for this gum are ridiculous to me.  Chewing 5 gum does not make me feel like I am diving into an icy/fiery pond.  It also does not make me feel like I am laying on millions of tiny silver balls that are vibrating because some creepy strangers behind a glass wall are bumping the bass.  If it did make me feel like that, I probably would not chew it.  Or I would think that I was having the hallucinations I mentioned earlier.

Bubblegum - I'm talking the good old fashioned pink glob of sugar that is perfect for blowing bubbles.  Bazooka, Double Bubble, Bubble Yum... so classic.  Not necessarily tasty, nevertheless, sometimes a girl just wants a piece of pink bubblegum.  It reminds me of the 4th of July because that was one thing you could always count on getting at the parade.  Nothing says let's celebrate America more than throwing tiny, sometimes rock-hard pieces of goodness at children.

There's an old wives tale that if you swallow a piece of gum, it stays in your stomach for four years.  Yikes!  However, my source (wikipedia, which from what I understand is always correct and is typically where scholars go to verify their information for important research papers) tells me that that is a lie.  Your body treats it like anything else. Unless you are the girl who swallowed a piece of gum and four coins.  Then you'll need medical attention when the coins stick to the gum and block your esophagus.  Moral of the story is to eat your gum and then allow a proper amount of time for digestion before you eat your coins.

Peas and Love Chiclets!


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