Mostly, I think this world is full of beautiful things. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. Unfortunately, those beautiful things that make me smile are not what I’m writing about today. Today, I want to tell you about the things that I think are gross.
- Bugs/Spiders. I especially detest cockroaches, daddy long-legs, crickets and grasshoppers. They terrify me and I will run in the opposite direction if I see one (or if it, god forbid, is in my apartment, I’ll trap it under a container and call someone to dispose of it). But if you look at them, even if you’re not scared, from an objective point of view, they are gross. Of course, I realize that I can’t actually use the word “objective” here because I am anything but, but c’mon. I’m right, right? And why do you need such long legs anyways, Spider? You look stupid and gangly. Do you think you’re a model? Do you think that other spiders will be attracted to you because you have such long legs? No, they are not. They think you look ridiculous. Of course, they aren’t anything to write home to mom about either, but you’re the worst of the worst. I’m sorry if that sounds mean*.
- * I'm not.
- The Situation from Jersey Shore. Now I really try not to be judgmental (about people… I still judge spiders), but he really creeps me out. I understand that he works out all the time, but why does he have to lift his shirt up all the time and point to his abs? It’s weird and gross. I think I have a pretty decent set of peepers, but do I point to my eyes all the time? No, I do not. I’m normal. And most of the time, when he opens his mouth and words come out, my ears are grossed out. They wish they could un-hear everything that was just said. They wish they could hear gross crickets chirping instead. They wish for anything that is not related to The Situation.
- Talking about bodily functions. I know that bodily functions are a natural part of life, but why do we have to talk about them? Why do we have to announce certain things to the general public in detail? Why can’t we pretend like these things don’t happen? That’s the kind of world I want to live in. I guess my Mom never read this book to me as a child and quite frankly, I’m okay with that.
- On a semi-related note, I just read on another blog that when you flush the toilet, some particles are ejected through the air in your bathroom. Obviously they have to land somewhere. So now, I have to get one of those fancy schmancy toothbrush cleaners that cleans it with supersonic waves or something. In the meantime, I’m now going to store my toothbrush in a case or in my cabinet. It’s the only way.
- Food in containers that I forget about in the back of my fridge. This one is my own fault. I realize that. But sometimes, I don’t remember that I have a leftover bowl of soup or a smoothie in my to-go cup. And then, when I do remember, I’m too scared to touch it, so I ignore it for another week. But the offending container never removes itself from my fridge, so I am forced to reckon with it. But I am still a coward, so regardless of how much I like that Tupperware container or insulated bottle, it’s going in the trash. I’m not even going to take the lid off to look inside. It’s a terrible habit but one that will likely never change, unless I start putting all of my leftovers in gold-plated bowls and diamond encrusted cups. The value of that might be worth hiring someone to come over and rinse it out for me. Plus, while that person is there, they can kill that cricket that’s trapped under that box.
- Spitting. This is probably a really common thing to be grossed out by. Actually, I think every human being should have this on their list, but clearly they don’t because it still happens. My question is this… Do you just have so much saliva in your mouth that you can’t contain it anymore and you therefore must spit, right there in the Target parking lot? Is that really what happens? Are you going to choke on it if you don’t get it out immediately? Unacceptable.
So that's it for now. I'm posting this at about 9 in the morning. Is there a better way to have started your day than by reading a blog about blech kind of things? Answer: No. No, there is not.
Peas and Love my Guys and Dolls,