Friday, September 2, 2011

Proper Cereal Protocol

I would like to take a moment to profess my love of cereal.  It is one of my most favorite foods.  So simple.  So delicious.  Here are some guidelines for you to follow if you want to properly enjoy a perfect bowl of goodness.  All cereals are not created equal and therefore, the following protocol should be followed:

1.  If you fill your bowl with any of the following cereals, you must drink the milk as well:

  • Cocoa Puffs
  • Cookie Crisp
  • Cinnamon Toast Crunch
  • Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries - Really any of the Cap'n Crunches but especially Crunch Berries
2. Chex.  Wait just long enough for the Chex to soften but not get mushy.  Then you have to kind of smash them between your tongue and the roof of your mouth before chewing.  It's kind of a hard technique to describe but it's a good workout for your tongue.

3. Corn Flakes - Eat them really really fast because they get soggy quick.  You have approximately .03 seconds to get these flakes in your mouth before mush happens.  You're probably better off just pouring the cereal and the milk directly into your mouth and skipping the bowl entirely.  In the time it takes the spoon to go from the bowl to your mouth, you've missed your chance.  Game over.

4. Shredded Wheat - Pour just enough milk to soak into the little squares and no more.  There is a fine line between too much and too little but if you manage to straddle that line, you are in for a treat.

5. Grape-Nuts - Slice up a banana and pour just a little milk into the bowl.  So. Freakin'. Good.  Obviously, I kind of have a problem with the name Grape-Nuts, being that this cereal is full of neither grapes nor nuts.  I'm only letting it slide because quite frankly, Grape-Nuts does sound more appetizing than Crunchy Wheaty Balls, which is what you really are.  But you're on watch, Grape-Nuts.  These kinds of shenanigans don't typically fly with me.

6. Lucky Charms.  Step One - Eat all the marshmallows that really don't even taste that good because they are stale but do it anyways.  It's the rules.  Step Two - Eat all the boring pieces that are left.  Step Three - Contemplate how you would feel if you thought you had found a pot of gold, but then you realized it's just full of stale marshmallows and flavorless cereal pieces.  How mad would you be at that Leprechaun?

7. Alpha Bits - Clearly you are supposed to spell words as you eat them.  I shouldn't even have to tell you that.  This is a kids' cereal, so keep it clean Freaks and Geeks.

8. Count Chocula - You have to eat this cereal with at least one other person so that as you enjoy the chocolatey Halloween-y goodness, you can converse using classic, over-the-top Count Dracula accents.  You don't even have to say things like "I vant to suck your blood."  You can simply ask for someone to pass the OJ, but you must use the thick Transylvanian accent.  I promise, it will be fun.  Or weird.

9. Raisin Bran - This classic breakfast table staple is best enjoyed completely soggy.  Fill your bowl with an appropriate amount of cereal.  Then you want to completely deluge the bran with milk.  Like completely cover the cereal.  No flakes should be seen.  Walk away for 5 or so minutes.  Watch the Today show or make some coffee.  Squeeze some fresh OJ.  Or just sit there and watch the bowl but you know the saying, "A watched bowl of cereal never sogs" or something like that.  Anyways, once it's completely mushy, enjoy!  Seriously, it's the only way.

10.  Special K -  Hahahaha.  I'm just kidding with this one.  There is no proper way to enjoy this cereal.  No offense K.

11. Cheerios - If you are the child version of me, you must dump approximately 2 tablespoons of sugar into the bowl along with the cheerios and milk, to make them palatable.  

12. Wheaties - Obviously, since this is the breakfast of champions, this cereal is best when eaten from the top of a mountain that you've just climbed or as you wait for the judges to place the Olympic gold medal around your neck or as you are crossing the finish line as the leader in the Tour de France.

So there you have it.  Follow these rules and you will be on your way to realizing your cereal's true potential.

Peas and Love Kiddos!

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