Sunday, July 17, 2011

Kitchen Accidents & Pirates

I am going to get a sign for my kitchen that says "This kitchen has been accident-free for 'X' amount of days" like they have in warehouses or on factory floors.  I'd really like to see how long I can go without injuring myself or my surroundings.  I'm a fairly good cook and a pretty good baker, but for some reason, I am a walking catastrophe while I'm working my magic, whipping up culinary delights.  I literally can't seem to go a week without bloodshed or inappropriate amounts of flame shooting from the stove.  Here are some examples:

* While making fajitas, things got extra caliente when I somehow managed to set my peppers and onions on fire.  There were actual flames shooting up from the skillet.  Eyebrows were almost singed off.  Luckily, for me and my neighbors, I quickly got the sitch under control and there was no spontaneous indoor bonfire in my building.  Bonus:  the flames charred my veggies quite nicely.  Those were some damn good fajitas.

* This past winter, I decided to make Chili Verde con Papas, which required some diced fresh jalapeno.  No problemo, I'm all over it.  I love dicing.  I love jalapenos.  Match made in heaven.  Not so much.  Now everyone knows that when you are dealing with peppers, you don't rub your eyes because the oil from the pepper will burn.  Even I know this.  So I was very carefully chopping those little devils, when juice from one squirted into my eye!  Oh the humanity!  My eyeball felt like it was melting.  I really thought in that moment that I was going to have to wear an eyepatch for the rest of my life.  Obviously, I would make the most out of it (accessorizing with a hook for a hand and a parrot on my shoulder to really nail the pirate look**), but I've had to wear one before and it gets really annoying after about 15 minutes.  Thank goodness, once I took my contact out and soaked my eye in water for 5 minutes, I was good as new.  The only problem is that that was my last contact and I am as blind as Mr. Magoo without contacts in, so I tried to reuse it.  Mistake.  I truly deserved the burn that time.  Lesson learned and an appointment was made to get new contacts.  I will never forgive you Jalapenos.  Never.

* I decided one night that I was feeling Italian.  Pasta it is!  So simple, so delicous, so... painful.  After boiling the pasta, I brought it over to the sink to drain and that's when disaster struck.  The boiling water spilled over the side of the sink and hit my abdomen.  You know how sometimes, like when you stub your toe or when you are falling, it seems like time slows down and you have a few seconds to think about how bad this is going to hurt, before the hurt actually starts?  Well that's what happened.  I knew it was going to be bad but I was powerless to stop it.  This time, I thought that the pants I was wearing were going to meld to my skin b/c the water was that hot.  I actually wanted to vomit from the pain.  Needless to say, it was a second-degree burn and I now have a souvenir scar shaped like Africa on my stomach.

I guess the moral of the story is that I can't be trusted with hot water or sharp objects, including knives, scissors and even the blade of the saran wrap carton.  Yes, even saran wrap is a weapon in my capable hands.

** Some of you may know that I have a thing for pirates, so I am willing to wear the eye patch if it means drinking rum on a beautiful island with a sexy pirate for the rest of my days.  But I want my pirate to be deliciously sexy and Johnny Depp-like, not mean like the pirate terrorists that pop up every now and then in modern times.  So if there are any devilishly handsome pirates reading this, give me a call.  Wink.

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