Monday, July 1, 2013

For Rent

I'm moving in two months.  Where to has yet to be decided so I turned to the only safe place I know of for an answer to that question.  Craigslist.

Typically, I only use Craigslist to post in the Missed Encounters section.  For example... "You were working the drive-thru at McDonalds.  When I pulled up to pay, you said I had pretty eyes.  Then you gave me two free apple pies.  "Pies for eyes" is what you said.  If you're still interested in these eyes, we should hook up sometime."

But recently, I've also been using it to look at apartments in different areas to figure out what might work for me.  Over the past week or so, I've developed some thoughts and I'm going to share them with you.

First, I'm curious about my ability to live comfortably in a studio apartment the size of a shoebox.  I fear that my stuff will cause the walls to burst at the seams and overflow out of the windows, much like Fish's fur and muscle used to do when he sat inside of a shoebox.  I have a lot of stuff.  None of it is worth anything though, Potential Robbers, so don't even think about it.  I do have an owl-shaped vase that's pretty cute though.  Anyways, it'd be great if I could pay less rent and utilities and a shoebox studio appears to be the only way to do it.  The upside of this is that I like cooking and I like laying on my bed and in this scenario, I'd be able to do both at the same time b/c my bed will basically be in the kitchen.  Convenience!

Second, where should I go?  I adore Soulard but it's not convenient to any single important thing/person in my life... not work, not school, not family, not friends, not boyfriend, etc.  I heart Tower Grove but that's not exactly much closer.  It is, however, convenient to my new favorite dessert from Treehouse, and that ranks pretty high.  I probably need to eat the Lemon Rhubarb Parfait every day of my life so accessibility to it is fairly important.  U. City and the Delmar Loop is probably my favorite portion of the city so maybe I could go back there?  For the third time?  Last time I moved out of U. City, my mattress flew out of the back of my Dad's truck on Delmar so perhaps we could reenact the whole scenario, only coming back in?  Decisions, decisions.

Today though, in an effort to keep an open mind about all of my options, I decided to look in the rooms for rent section.  Maybe I could live with a roommate again?  Let me tell you... some human beings are diamonds and Craigslist is a diamond mine.  Here are my favorite options that I'm considering:

The first one I clicked on had "FREE WEEKLY BINGO" in the headline.  I'm in!  I LOVE Bingo!  B12!  N32!  I could practically hear it in my head.  I'm just not sure how to get past the age 62+ requirement.  If I go to a tanning bed every day for the next two months, do you think I can get my skin leathery-looking enough to pass for a tiny bit more than twice my age?

One guy is "seeking female to to a beach area (midwest)".  This one caught my eye b/c Midwest beaches are the best.  His ad was a little confusing though b/c he's never met a punctuation mark that he liked, I guess.  I'd say it was one run-on sentence but it didn't appear to be a sentence so much as just words typed one after another.  But I saw "beach", "movie location", and "I need you to have a vehicle" so that's pretty much all I needed to know.  I sent that link to my boyfriend to see what he thought and I'm pretty sure he wants me to keep looking.  I don't know why.  The man looked very trustworthy (if a little rage-full) in the included picture.

Lots of male posters seemed to be looking for a housekeeper, among other things.  "Will lower rent if you clean and provide female companionship" and "Looking for a friends with benefits type of situation" were fairly common.  Unfortunately, I don't really like to clean.  I would however go halfsies on a Roomba if you want!  Let the robot clean.  But still cut my rent in half please.  As far as female companionship goes, we can name the Roomba "Sally" or "Trixie" if you want.  And I'm not sure what to do about the friends with benefits proposition.  Presumably, this guy is looking for health benefits, right?  I might be able to kick in on that but not dental and definitely not vision.  I've never heard of a friendship requiring those things but I don't know what else he could mean.

There was one female poster who was looking for a roommate and a friend.  I want to be her friend!  Should I send her an email asking to meet?  We could rent a movie, like "Single White Female" and learn all about each other.

Lastly, some places don't allow pets.  I already have a cat named Chips and she's nonnegotiable.  If I put a sweater and a hat and glasses on her, do you think I could pass her off as a baby?  People might think it's a weird-looking baby but if there's one thing I know about humanity, it's that a person will never tell a mom that her baby is ugly or weird-looking.  At least not to her face.

Peas and Love, Movers and Shakers

P.S.  I called you Movers and Shakers b/c I want all of you to help me move my crap in two months so I thought you should get used to the term "Movers".  I only used "Shakers" b/c it's catchy.  I do not want you to shake my stuff.

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